Some of my favorites

A certain man decided he needed a brain transplant.  He inquired of a surgeon as to the possibilities.  “Yes.”, said the surgeon; “It is possible to do a brain transplant.  What kind do you want?”

The patient asked what kinds were available and what would it cost.

“Well,” said the surgeon; “you could get a doctor’s brain, a lawyers brain, a banker’s brain , a plumber’s brain.  They would cost around $10,000.00 per oz.  An electrician’s brain is about $100,000.00 per oz.”

The patient asked why an electrician’s brain was so expensive.  The doctor answered; “You would be surprised at how many electricians we have to kill to get an ounce of brains.”

Ba Dum Dump

A man walks into a bar and asked the bartender; “Would you like to hear a good electrician joke?”

“Just a minute.” said the bartender.  “You see that big tough looking fellow at the end of the bar?  Do you see those two mean looking guys slouched over their drinks at that table?  They are all electricians.”

“That’s all right” said the man.  “I’ll talk real slow.”

Ba Dum Dump

Have you ever watched an electrician tie his shoe lace?  He puts his left foot up on a chair and reaches down and ties the laces of the shoe on the floor.

Ba Dum Dump

An electrical contractor had seven daughters.  His wife became pregnant an eighth time.  When the couple spoke with the doctor the contractor made the comment that he wished that this baby would be a boy.

He said; “I could train him to be a good electrician.  When I retire I could turn the business over to him.”

“That’s O.K” said the doctor; “It’s going to be a boy.”

The contractor was confused and asked just how the doctor could guarantee the outcome at such an early time.  The doctor said; “Trust me.”

When the couple went to the hospital for the birth the contractor waited in a waiting room.  After the birth the doctor entered the waiting room and told the contractor; “It’s a boy.  See I told you to trust me.”

The contractor was very grateful and mentioned that now he was assured of a boy to train he could really use an estimator for the business.

The doctor said; “Oh, he’ll be an estimator.  I can guarantee that!”

The contractor, now more ready to believe, was still a little skeptical.  He asked the doctor; “How can you be so sure that he’ll be an estimator?”

The doctor replied; “I just left him and he’s already crying.”

Ba Dum Dump

(I told this last joke to a roomful of estimators when they were questioning a foreman on his job decision making skills.  It got very quiet.)

Mosquitoes

One time when we were camping in Quebec, Canada I observed some Canadian mosquitoes walking on the top of our sleeping bag.  They were trying to “drill down” and find flesh underneath.

One of the boys that were with us had a sleeping bag that was of lighter weight.  To avoid the mosquitoes he moved into the car for the night.  He left the window down about an inch for air.  The next morning we asked him if the mosquitoes didn’t come in during the night.  He replied: “No, their bills were too long.”

On another occasion I was working on a job requiring the installation of wiring, circuitry, etc. for an X-ray machine in a clinic.  The crew that does the actual installation of the X-ray machine is made up of specialists.  They will travel from one job site to another as employees of the X-ray machine company, solely working on X-ray machine installations.

Though mosquitoes can be problematic at certain times of the year when doing electrical work on poles, signs, outdoor lighting and the like, they are certainly no problem when installing an X-ray machine.

The two boys installing the machine were from Minnesota.  (I had lived in Minnesota for a short period of time.)  These boys were complaining about the flat prairie in Montana.  They said that Minnesota had rivers and lakes and trees.  I told them that they had plenty of something else in Minnesota, too.  They asked; “What?”

I said: “Mosquitoes.”

At that they said; “We don’t have mosquitoes in Minnesota.”

I replied (sarcastically); “No, you don’t have mosquitoes in Minnesota.”  As I was about to go into some detail about my experiences with mosquitoes in Minnesota, one of them cut in quickly and said; “Last year I only saw two mosquitoes in Minnesota.  They were flying overhead with a calf between them.  One said to the other one; ‘When we get done with this one, let’s go back and get the big one.’ ”

I was just about ready to believe them.

At the very least, I couldn’t top that story.

Storms

One of the contractors who employed me had a contract with the sign company in Great Falls, Montana to maintain a large number of neon signs in Havre, Montana.  At one point we had a real vicious hail storm in Havre.

The day of the hail storm I was driving home into the teeth of the storm.  I pulled over to the side of the road.  I was sure it was going to break out my windshield.  It held.

The windows in our neighbor’s house were broken and the rain blew in damaging their sofa.  The side of our mobile home located toward the storm didn’t have any windows, but it made dents in the aluminum siding.

The storm occurred in August and our garden was demolished, except for the vine plants.  The wind had “rolled up” the vine plants (cukes, squash, and pumpkins) like a rug.  When I unrolled them they had protected themselves.  We had a good crop of vine vegetables a month later in September.

I have heard where hail storms have damaged 100% of cars on a car sales lot; a total loss on the vehicles there.

The hailstorm that month and year required that we go around to most of the signs in town to determine which ones needed repair.  It was nearly every sign in town.

The next day the company in Great Falls sent up a flat bed truck loaded with neon tubing.  Apparently the contract did not allow much down time on these signs.  We worked day and night to replace all that tubing that had been broken.

I learned quite a bit about neon signs on that occasion.

Sometimes in the bright light you could not see if the sign was lighting or not.  I discovered that by running my finger and thumb along a tubing, I could tell if it was working or not.

The work came at a good time as the shop was low on work.  It gave everyone a bit of income.  Later on another electrician and I were talking about the neon tubing being thoroughly broken and he told me what he had heard from another electrician.

This third party individual would go out at night, when work was slow, and throw old fan belts up into the sign tubing, breaking it.  He called it “making work.”

This practice is more widespread and widely used than most would imagine; and it isn’t limited to electrical signage.

But that’s another storm.